


How We Discover Ourselves

by ACatOutOfTime



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (I don't know why that ended up in here lol), Cooking, Gender, Genderplay, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23896735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ACatOutOfTime/pseuds/ACatOutOfTime
Summary: Roxy and John are having a date, and, unbeknownst to either of them, they both desire to come out to one another during this date. Hi-jinks ensue as the two of them bond over their lives, and their experiences of gender.
Relationships: Roxy Lalonde/June Egbert
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33
Collections: HSCCS Promptfest 2020





	How We Discover Ourselves

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [HSCCSPromptfest2020](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/HSCCSPromptfest2020) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> Can bump up to Explicit if desired.
> 
> Give me some gender busting roxygen in whatever configuration appeals to you.
> 
> \---
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this :3

It’s been about a week since you made it to the new universe and finally got off that ship. After being trapped on it for years with only Jade, Davesprite, and some consorts to talk to, it was nice to finally be free of the enclosed space. When you got to the new universe, you expected to have to be ready to fight right away, though.

A week later, and all of you have mostly just been hanging out with each other, the tension in the air palpable. When you got here, Rose’s daughter/mom Roxy was trapped in a jail cell, and you got tasked with freeing her. 

She immediately started hitting on you, before you even managed to get her out of the funny looking pyramid that she built herself into. And to be fair, she’s pretty cute so you didn’t exactly mind.

Except for the nagging worry at the back of your head that she might not be okay with… well, you. 

While you’ve kept presenting as a guy to keep yourself closeted to your friends, it’s been hard to not think about gender since you went god tier what with all the changes that happened.

Particularly to your body.

When you first found yourself in your dream body, you noticed some weird changes. Particularly, your voice was a bit softer and more feminine, your body felt a little differently balanced, and your skin was smoother.

And, most obviously, you were missing something… lower down.

You thought it must just be some game glitch at first; it had to be, there was no way that this body could actually be right for you, or meant for you.

So when you ascended and this body became yours permanently, including the not so pleasant process of growing breasts, it became harder and harder to hide the panic and anxiety over yourself.

Your first priority was to find a way to make yourself look as masculine as possible. You mashed as many things together as possible until you figured out how to make a binder as soon as you got onto the ship.

Of course, you think Jade still figured it out at some point. It's hard to hide that forever, and it hurt too.

Even if she did know, though, she didn't say anything.

  


* * *

  


John asked you to hang out at his house in a couple hours, and you were immediately really excited. He was a pretty cute guy, especially his hair that you'd love to just run your hands all over and feel the texture of.

He'd initially barged in on you in the middle of your zen as hell matriorb-making session/imprisonment and tried to help "bust you out" in his dorky ass way so reminiscent of Jake and Jane, it just made your brain blow up.

Like a little cute dude bomb, he blew your mind.

Of course, with the prospect of an actually available romantic option comes the problem of what they'll think of your… unconventional changes.

With all the chaos of the entry, you know that Dirk noticed everything. Hell, he had his entire life to (not at all creepily) watch over your sleeping self. If he hadn't noticed you'd be amazed.

Your dream-self, which became your waking-self, which became your god-self, oh gosh that's confusing let's start this back over. Your dream-self's body had some pretty strange stuff going on.

Like, the most obvious thing was that you had a whole dang dick. Just, hanging around, being there, all "I'm supposed to be here". Your tits were basically gone, and your balance was completely thrown off. Your shoulders wider, and hips thinner, a frame that you couldn't figure out what you were supposed to be.

Thing was, while you initially thought you'd never be able to get used to it, you've basically started to love your body. You'd never really thought about gender as a concept before entering the game: you were a girl because everyone told you you were, and it made you feel closer to your mom.

Once you got to your planet, and had a bit more freedom and ability to express yourself, though, you realized just how hella performative that was. You stole some of Jake and Dirk's clothes and alchemized as much as you could with the admittedly limited resources you had.

What you got was a wardrobe of guy-ish-girl-ish-somewhere-in-the-middle-but-not-quite-either clothes that you really just loved.

Except you couldn't wear them around your friends for fear of them thinking you're weird or finding out about your changes.

You're amazed that they haven't already found out, with how gossipy they all are.

  


* * *

  


Almost a year into being on the ship, you decided to try dressing more feminine. It was a terrifying endeavour, having to find the time to be alone and figuring out how to alchemize clothes that you actually liked. It took you days on weeks before you managed an outfit that actually fit your style, which you're finding you actually have.

Which is what you find yourself sitting in right now, the deep blue skirt soft on your legs, with your ghost-colored short-sleeved blouse tucked into it, cute suspenders over your shoulders. You've got some knee-high socks on, though your presence in your room is keeping you from finishing it up with shoes.

It's cute. You honestly are weirded out about how much you like how you look. Part of you wants to brush it off as you just liking cute girls but you know that's not right. That's not what you're feeling here.

You're… happy?

In 20 minutes you're supposed to be meeting up with Roxy.

Some part of you is considering keeping this on when you go over. 

Then you could be honest- at least with her.

  


* * *

  


You're sat on your bed, just about 20 minutes before Johns supposed to get there, and you're contemplating what to do.

If you're going to think about being romantic with John… you really should be honest with him about yourself. Put yourself out there and then at least you know that he likes you for you.

Sometimes he reminds you so much of Jane, with how goofy and prideful he can be, and it makes you feel like he will support you through anything. And sometimes he reminds you so much of Jake, with how smart and cute he can be, and you feel like he'll have a solution for any problem you encounter.

That all makes you feel more guilty about not telling them. But you have a lot more baggage with them than you do with John, with him having just gotten here a little ago.

It's not his fault you feel like you can just talk to him.

The problem that you'll have is that you don't even know just what you are. You're not a girl. You're not a guy.

What does that make you?

  


* * *

  


You grab up all your stuff to head over to Roxy's, which consists of mostly just your fancied-up PDA and a hammer to deal with any underlings that might get in your way on the way over.

As you grab those up, you spot your outfit laying out on your bed.

You toss it deep in your sylladex. You'll decide after you get there.

A few hops (and a lot of stairs) and you're at the top of your extremely tall house. You take off from there towards the Land of Pyramids and Neon, the strange lights flashing in your peripheral vision as you land a few meters away from her house.

Better to show up at the door than at some second- or worse, higher- story window.

As you knock on the door, the concrete of her porch resoundingly stiff underneath your feet after so long flying, you wonder what she'd even think of you.

Before you have much time to ponder that, however, she swings open the door and crashes into you in a class Roxy big energy hug. You respond in kind, enthusiastically hugging her back, as you temporarily feel your feet leave the ground.

Never underestimate the power of a high energy hugger capable of flight.

As you feel the ground reconnect with your feet, the two of you both try to speak at the same time.

"oh gosh it's-"

"hey boi nice to-"

Then you both stammer, and exchange a hesitant couple of "you first" "no you first" "no you, i insist" before finally one of you manages to take the conversational baton.

"hey there eggy boy, hoes it happening?"

"i'm pretty floaty and windy, like usual"

You accentuate this by flipping up into the air and gusting wind through your hood. Your curly hair bobs a bit as well.

"ur such a dork"

"hey! if I didn't use my godly powers to do little everyday things, how much of a god am I?"

She giggles at that, shooting you a quick smile.

She's so cute.

"i don't exactly have that luxury what with my powers being essentially 'green cube summoning' at the mo'"

"you still used that to make yourself a cool pyramid"

She rolls her eyes at you, and gestures you inside.

"no point jus standin out her forever john lets fickn go inside"

She leads you to the couch in the main room, and you plop down a couple feet apart.

  


* * *

  


So here comes the fun part. 

"so hoes the oily-land doing these days?"

“it’s mostly oily and boring and i don’t really have much to do there which is why i’m here”

He leans back sort of awkwardly before he realizes what he implied by that.

“n-not to imply that i only hang out with you bec-”

“cmon nerd of course i know i’m the hippest gal in all of pspace so of course when it’s all borin and stuffs ur gona come to me it jus makes sense”

You chide yourself for reflexively using “gal” to describe yourself, but, on second thought, it’s not like you’re not a gal. You’re not a woman, and you’re not a man, but you don’t mind being a gal.

“well i guess when you put it that way it doesn’t sound that bad. yeah, i just really like hanging out with you roxy.”

Oh gosh he’s being so fucking shy it’s gonna melt your damned heart.

“yu know for all the vigor u showed me when you first busted me out, you’re having a hell of a time just taking to me right now.”

“hey! just because sometimes i can talk peoples ears off doesn’t mean i’m just some expert of inter personal communication, and more-”

You smirk at him, because of course you got exactly the response that you wanted. He notices and quiets down, blushing, and again you’re blown away by just how cute you find him.

He’s just got that innocent energy that makes you feel so happy.

“so did u want to like maek sum food or smthng for this ‘definitely not a date’ of ours? bc idk ‘bout you but i’m famished”

A curious look creeps onto his face, as if you’d just said that ghostbusters was a bad movie (which you’ve done before just to see how he’d react) and he stutters a couple times before finally finding the sentence that he was seemingly searching the whole house for.

“wait a second, do you actually get hungry even though you’re god tier? ever since i ascended i haven’t had to eat”

Has… has he just really not been eating the entire time that he’s been god tier? 

“no of corse i don’t have to eat but lik cmon why would u jus stop one of the best things ever?”

“i don’t know i just sort of… haven’t had to so i didn’t.”

“john... john”

You get progressively closer to him as you say his name, until you’re right up in his face. 

You’ve decided your gender reveal can wait. This kid needs some good fuckin food in his life.

“i’m makin u eat my cookin”

  


* * *

  


So you’re sitting here in the “kitchen” of Roxy’s house watching her cook you food and it’s honestly just… really nice.

She’s singing while she’s cooking which is fucking adorable.

“i basiclly had to learn all my cookin skills with improvised ingredients but the one thing moms made sure i had plenty of was spices”

She tosses a handful of basil leaves into… whatever it is that she’s making. You can’t really identify it. 

“she started this lil spice garden on the top of this place n it’s got like everything u could possibly want”

It has, from what you’ve made out so far, squash or pumpkin as the base texture, with some homemade noodles or something, a creamy sauce, and a bunch load of spices that you haven’t been able to catch.

No meat. No eggs or anything.

“liek peppers, basil, cardamoms, cinnamon, fuck i’ve basically got everythin u could ever need to make a dish except the actual dish ingredients themselves which i had to get from the carapacian farmers”

She lets it sit and comes over to where you’ve been sitting silently this entire time.

“u were raised by jane’s son im sure you did plenty of cooking right?”

You give an “ehhhhh” that in your mind construes the complicated idea of “well more or less my dad did all of the cooking and would sometimes rope me into doing it and since i thought that he was doing it to antagonize me i didn’t really do it but now i kind of wish that i did but i recognize most of the ingredients”

She doesn’t get it from that, so you follow it up with something a bit more.

“my dad did most of the cooking, so i get ingredients and spices and such, but i don’t actually know… how to cook”

“oh my gosh john no, u’re coming over here and i’m getting you to make somethin with me”

She leads you over to the counter next to where she has the mystery dish simmering.

“so i just need u to make smthng simpel aight? i’m gonna keep workin on this khao soi if you can chop n onion and some ginger for me.”

She already laid out the vegetables for you, so you grab the onion off the counter and start chopping.

And several moments later, you stop chopping the onion and curse repeatedly.

Fucking onion fumes burning your eyes.

“u alright there eggs?”

“yeah i’m totally fine, doing real good just gonna chill down here on the ground where the fumes aren’t as bad”

“aight but if u need i can totes give u smthng to help”

You wave her off in a suitably ‘don’t worry about me’ manner, and get up, but by the time that you do she’s standing over you.

“how ‘bout we do this together”

She grabs out a second knife from the knife block on her counter and stands next to you, before pulling over a cucumber and dicing it into pieces, repeating that for another two in the time it takes you to get through a single onion. Finally, she pulls over a pepper and chops it into quite small pieces as you finish up.

“don worry about the ginger i can do that”

“you really know how to do this stuff don’t you?”

“yea when u spend most of ur life growing up with chess guys who dont really hav a sense of taste (no ‘fense to them) u learn to use the resources you have pretty quickly”

Something catches you attention, something of pretty great importance, and you wave your hands to catch her in the middle of her ramble.

"hold on a second, this is thai food right?"

"prety sure it's laotian actually but the recipe is pretty similar btween the two"

"you're not using peanuts are you?"

Her eyebrows quirk for a second before it clicks into place. Then recognition dawns over her face.

"crap crud dang im so dumb i should have remembered that you have a peanut allergy!"

So… she didn't.

"well what are we going to do about this?"

"both the dishes have peanuts in them tho we haven't put them in the salad yet. i wouldn't even risk it though i know how allergic you are. should probably just burn the place down now."

You reach back and scratch your neck, the awkwardness building as the seconds go by.

"whatever! im still not going to let u just not eat!"

  


* * *

  


It's a full hour later, and quite a lot of jokes and prods at you from him, before you finally have food, this time something a lot simpler: just a couple of bowls of ramen. Still with homemade noodles. You're definitely trying to show off that you can make them.

You plated- err, bowled- up two servings and handed one to John, before noticing how he's eyeing it.

"somthing wrong?"

He tries hard to not frown but you catch the edge of his mouth curling down just a little bit.

"no, i guess not, i'm just not used to eating meals that don't include meat or egg or… dairy of any sort. this is actually my first fully 'vegan' meal."

You hadn't thought about that at all when you were making the food, considering this is just how you always eat. Occasionally Dirk would teleport you over a fish (his part of the ocean was better for getting fish) but other than that you had to survive off what you could grow, or what the chess dudes could grow.

That meant fruits and veggies and spices. You read somewhere that when people eat like you do they normally have to supplement, but you've never had to. 

Maybe your mom bioengineered some rad supplement-spices?

John is still staring at you while you monologue in your head and you realize you haven't responded to his query.

"oh don't worry about it it'll be totes good i've had to cook this way my entire life so i know how to make it taste baller"

"alright, if you say so"

He doesn't look fully convinced.

Regardless, the two of you abscond to your room, where you have your TV and games set up, and start to play some games while you eat. You have a copy of Super Mario World, so you're switching off taking turns playing it.

"you know, all of this stuff happening, with the game and everything, you'd think it would have gotten us to abandon a lot of the dumb stuff about how society worked"

You didn't expect that from him.

"well we're still in the game whos to say wer not gonna?"

You see him shrug his shoulders as he hops onto a newly hatched Yoshi in game, still seemingly concentrated entirely on the screen.

"i mean i was pretty convinced this food was going to be awful, which was a dumb cultural thing that was forced into my head because 'vegetarian' and 'vegan' were like curse words to most people."

Okay, you see his point.

"u mean the way we've all got internalized shit that we don't evn think about as anything except 'normal'. meat egg and dairy eating for you or say…"

You let the sentence drift off. You know where you want to take it. You want to go on about how gender is the same way.

But would he understand?

"gosh, I remember back on earth that for some people they thought of race that way, that being white was just their 'default' and anything else was… well it might be okay but it certainly wasn't as good, you know?"

A laugh erupts out of you at that.

"i only got a bit of that, mosly from the internet n such. harder to internalize when u see everyone get killed equally i guess"

"yeah, everyone except a chinese gal and a latino guy. kind of pokes holes in any racial supremacy theory people might have"

A silence settles over the two of you again, the rhythmic music from the stage filling the air, accompanied by the bouncy sounds of Mario jumping.

A few seconds pass before he starts back up again.

"i actually used to be the same way about sexuality. if someone didn't tell me who they liked they were automatically straight. it was just the default. talking with rose and dave and jade about those has really helped me."

And again the silence fills the air.

"yo it's really cool that u learned and bettered urself on the sexuality stuff"

"yea! and it actually… kind of helped me figure some stuff out for myself"

Wait a second is he implying that he's not as straight as you thought he was?

"r u about to come out to me j? bc that'd be super cool and i promise i would support you with all my gay heart"

He starts to say something, you absolutely know he's going to come out to you about something and then he just.

Stops.

But you know what nah you've had enough of this bullshit so let's do this.

"yo john so you know how you said that applied to you for sexuality and you used to think that way about sexuality?"

He nods, still focused on the level. Unfortunately for him, he dies, and you grab the controller out of his hand.

"so what would you think if i said that should apply to gender to? like, what if the 'two' genders that we think of are just this assumed default but some people might not actually fall into them."

"wait so like not a man and not a woman? what would you even call someone like that."

You did a little research before he got here, so you do know how to answer this.

"well lik the two genders are a binary so they'd be non-binary because they don't fit in that"

He doesn't say anything for a minute, and you're a bit worried that he's weirded out by what you just said.

"so, you're non-binary then? right? like, that's why you said it?"

"accordin to sburb i em because when i woke up in my dream body it wasn't a guy or a girl it was something else"

"so you just found out because sburb told you, basically?"

"more r less yeah, i figured it out after i got the gift of a body I was comfy as hell in. maybe i shouldn't be surprised since it expects us to live forever in these bodies"

He sits there, and you sit there, and the two of you just wait for the other to say something.

"roxy that's amazing and i'm so happy for you!"

The smile (and accompanying squeal) are entirely genuine reactions of complete shock at him accepting you.

"i mean is a hella blessin to get from this game to just suddenly get a body i love but I had to make the clothes myself"

You trot over to your dresser where you have a captchalogue card with a set of clothes in it. With care, you apply it, and watch as his eyes take in just what you're wearing.

"oh my god! you look so good in that!!"

The outfit in question is a denim jacket, with wide shoulders, over a masculine (but slim-fit) button-up, and lighter denim skinny jeans on the bottom, cuffed high enough to let you wear some killer boots below.

You also messed with your hair, though your signature curl remains, and it frames your face much more masculine. Overall, you think you probably look about 60-70% masculine, right in that sweet spot for you.

You catch his stunned face and realize you havent yet replied to him.

"o yeh I totes put this together so I could show off I don't have much like this at the mo'"

"roxy… wait do you still want to go by roxy?"

He pauses, waiting on your answer, but you hadn't even considered it that much.

"roxy is me and i am roxy. doesn't matter to me if other people might think roxy is a feminine name ill just show them otherwise. never really considered anything else. though… now that you mention it i really hate going by she/her so how about we go with they/them or if you really want he/him"

"i can do that"

He smiles at you and then keeps going.

"roxy we have to alchemize you more clothes these look so good on you"

You feel a heat creeping into your cheeks at getting genuinely complimented by someone you're pretty attracted to, so you slam yourself down on the bed.

  


* * *

  


So, roxy just came out to you, which would be the perfect time to tell them that you're in a similar situation.

But they just slammed down onto the bed and you're not really sure what you should do, because you're not sure if you should get their attention or just… go for it.

You stand up from the bed, head over to the dresser where they had dressed up as their true self and…

You pull out the card. Come on, you should be able to do this! Yeah, you've been a bit scared of the repercussions of this but if there's anyone who will understand it'd be Roxy, considering they apparently went through almost the same thing.

So, cautiously, you apply the card, and feel your dorky outfit melt off and the skirt melt onto your body. It feels nice, more like what you _should_ be wearing.

"so, uh… roxy. i know you just did your whole big thing and i don't want to spoil it but-"

You don't even get to finish the sentence before they're screaming and running over and hugging you.

"omfg j are you serious i had no idea that u wetn thru smthng similar this is so perf. and u look so frickn cute in that skirt I just want to squish you!!"

They let you go (and set you down) and the two of you collapse into a pile on the floor.

"so wow, how long afterwards did you figure yourself out?"

They groan and wave their hand in the air.

"idk liek a few weeks? maybs. i started sneakily stealing dirk and jakes clothes right after got-tiering and alchemizing a couple outfits. considering i didn't kno exactly what it was called tho… just now? b4 u got here. how about u?"

You ponder that for a few moments. The flight on the ship was long, and the isolation gave you a lot of time to think.

"i think i finally admitted it to myself about a year into the journey on the ship. before that i just kept trying to find reasons that the game had messed up, glitched or something. but a year is a lot of time to think about yourself."

Their hand comes out of nowhere and runs down your face, bumping into your glasses and poking your nose and mouth.

"u kno, u and i are about the same size. i bet we could have some fun switching around our clothes."

"i bet we could"

You immediately shoot up when you notice them rise from their position next to the fenestrated plane, heading toward the dresser. They pull out a pink sweater with a cat face in white on it, that matches their current one, and a white dress with black accents. You can already see where this is going.

"how 'bout you try these on together and I get to see mor cute outfits on u?"

Your face heats up to a boil imagining getting undressed in front of them. Not-Not that that's where your mind initially goes, considering you're also marveling at how cute you'd probably look in the outfit. And how good they look.

And how much you honestly want to kiss them.

But the first thing out of your mouth is

"wow roxy isn't this a bit early to be trying to get me undressed?"

The smirk that they get on their face, and their slow, almost predatory walk back towards you doesn't fill you with confidence. They lean down in front of you, your faces mere centimeters apart.

"i think this is the perf time to get u undressed"

And they kiss you. Their lips feel like satin with how soft they are, and you eagerly kiss them back, wondering first how they read your mind, and then telling yourself that's dumb, and just focusing all of your energy on kissing them. 

Moments pass as your lips lock over and over, them having enveloped you in a solid grip, cupping your cheek. It's not aggressive, no real biting or energy going into each kiss, just lazily and comfortably enjoying kissing each other.

You wish you could do this forever.


End file.
